Soul's Calling?

I watched the movie Juno last night. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's about a 16 year old girl who gets pregnant and decides to give the baby up for private adoption. Many things happen, but basically the woman who so desperately wants Juno's child gets it, Juno doesn't have to have an infant, and so can be a 'normal' teen again, and we are all left wondering if things actually can turn out that happily in the end. As I am only 25, it also got me thinking about my own life and if I'll ever want, I mean really want a child of my own.
My fiance and I agreed quite early on in our relationship that if we ever did want a child we would adopt - my family's history of horrendous pregnancies, combined with my food allergies and Fibromyalgia would probably combine to create the most miserable pregnancy and sick child on the planet. If it survived. So every once in a while I check myself and see if I want to take that next step and start the adoption process with my fiance (we're actually common law for 6-1/2 years, getting married more to make it official than anything).
I do have to admit that once in a while I see my friends with their children, or see strangers with their children and wonder: could I do that? Do I want to do that? The answer is yes, and also definitely not, for the following reasons:

• I don't have the finances, first off. I love making jewellery, and my website, www.littlestudio.ca does well for what it is, but not well enough to support myself, let alone another person to feed, clothe, enter in sports, etc. It is costing more and more for everything these days, and to properly care for a child is becoming astronomical (by that I don't mean a mountain of toys and cell phones before they are 6, I mean sports teams, and averagely priced clothes and shoes as soon as they outgrow them, and bicycles and museum trips, and lots of fun and educational books).
• I don't have the health (obviously), and having my mom and friends, and my fiance say they would help doesn't alleviate that thought, because at the end of the day, I would be the child's mother, and there is no substitution for that. I want to be the kind of mom that mine was - and is - by being there: Having fun, playing games, running around shouting nonsense at invisible people, baking and crafting for hours, and I can't even do that on my own now.
• I don't know that I am emotionally ready for the responsibility of another person's life. Not just the physical needs - I know I could feed, bathe and protect the child from physical harm. No, it is the emotional needs that scare me. Being responsible for instilling morals, values, and dealing with all the emotional issues that children have to deal with, protecting them from the emotional harm that this world seeks to inflict on innocents....it terrifies me. Really.
• Ok, ok, I'll admit it, I'm selfish - I like my space and quiet. Being sick means that I spend all my time fighting and fighting this disease and so little time on me - spending a few hours reading or making jewellery is like a vacation from all the pain. I need quiet and stillness and me time, and I hardly get that as it is.

So there you have it, I guess I know deep down that I'm not ready for that kind of challenge, maybe I never will be. Does that bother me? Honestly? I'm not sure. Looking at it objectively, I am glad that I know I am unable to care for a child at this point and not proceed down that road any further. But that is logic, and does that whole 'biological clock' thing listen to reason? Is my clock ticking? I dunno, but for now, and for the foreseeable future, it'll have to continue doing just that. I'm not ready and that is all there is to it!

I hope that gets your brain going!

Take care, happy thinking!

Meghann