Monday, May 26, 2008

Soul's Calling?

I watched the movie Juno last night. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's about a 16 year old girl who gets pregnant and decides to give the baby up for private adoption. Many things happen, but basically the woman who so desperately wants Juno's child gets it, Juno doesn't have to have an infant, and so can be a 'normal' teen again, and we are all left wondering if things actually can turn out that happily in the end. As I am only 25, it also got me thinking about my own life and if I'll ever want, I mean really want a child of my own.
My fiance and I agreed quite early on in our relationship that if we ever did want a child we would adopt - my family's history of horrendous pregnancies, combined with my food allergies and Fibromyalgia would probably combine to create the most miserable pregnancy and sick child on the planet. If it survived. So every once in a while I check myself and see if I want to take that next step and start the adoption process with my fiance (we're actually common law for 6-1/2 years, getting married more to make it official than anything).
I do have to admit that once in a while I see my friends with their children, or see strangers with their children and wonder: could I do that? Do I want to do that? The answer is yes, and also definitely not, for the following reasons:
  • I don't have the finances, first off. I love making jewellery, and my website, does well for what it is, but not well enough to support myself, let alone another person to feed, clothe, enter in sports, etc. It is costing more and more for everything these days, and to properly care for a child is becoming astronomical (by that I don't mean a mountain of toys and cell phones before they are 6, I mean sports teams, and averagely priced clothes and shoes as soon as they outgrow them, and bicycles and museum trips, and lots of fun and educational books).
  • I don't have the health (obviously), and having my mom and friends, and my fiance say they would help doesn't alleviate that thought, because at the end of the day, I would be the child's mother, and there is no substitution for that. I want to be the kind of mom that mine was - and is - by being there: Having fun, playing games, running around shouting nonsense at invisible people, baking and crafting for hours, and I can't even do that on my own now.
  • I don't know that I am emotionally ready for the responsibility of another person's life. Not just the physical needs - I know I could feed, bathe and protect the child from physical harm. No, it is the emotional needs that scare me. Being responsible for instilling morals, values, and dealing with all the emotional issues that children have to deal with, protecting them from the emotional harm that this world seeks to inflict on terrifies me. Really.
  • Ok, ok, I'll admit it, I'm selfish - I like my space and quiet. Being sick means that I spend all my time fighting and fighting this disease and so little time on me - spending a few hours reading or making jewellery is like a vacation from all the pain. I need quiet and stillness and me time, and I hardly get that as it is.

So there you have it, I guess I know deep down that I'm not ready for that kind of challenge, maybe I never will be. Does that bother me? Honestly? I'm not sure. Looking at it objectively, I am glad that I know I am unable to care for a child at this point and not proceed down that road any further. But that is logic, and does that whole 'biological clock' thing listen to reason? Is my clock ticking? I dunno, but for now, and for the foreseeable future, it'll have to continue doing just that. I'm not ready and that is all there is to it!

I hope that gets your brain going!

Take care, happy thinking!


Colds are the Pits!

I never get sick, NEVER. So when I woke up this morning with that scratchy tickle in the back of my throat, ears feeling like they were in a vise, nose tickled and stuffed, I knew I was in for it. My fiance came home from a work conference last week with a cold courtesy of his co-worker who had driven with him the whole 4 hours there and back, and had the heart to give it to me now. Oddly, I don't really get sick since becoming ill with Fibromyalgia. It must be the whole imune system in overdrive thing, because before that, I got sick allllll the time. Every cold, bronchitis, flu, everything came crashing down on me and kicked me right to my behind. Now, I may feel a little "blah" for a few days, but I don't really seem to get sick. Until now - it figures. I had an afternoon planned where a silversmith friend of mine was supposed to come over and we were going to make wire-wrapped rings and now I had to cancel. My mom is suposed to come over on Thursday to help me with things while my husband goes away for a few days to deal with a contractor's move, and now that is in jeopardy. Plus, I have a mountain of weeds to pull in the garden, my dog needs walking and my house needs cleaning.
This, I know, is where I see God telling me to slow down, relax, trust in Him. All will be well, I just have to have faith. Sit, rest, relax, everything will happen as it is meant to. Nothing will go terribly wrong if I can't dust the house twice this week, or sweep the floors every day. No one will blame me if I can't make 20 pieces of fabulous jewellery.
I am who I am, if I can't do everything, it's not the end of the world. Amen to that!
Take care, God bless, I'm off to REST! :)

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Summer Lovin'

Well, it's not quite summer, but the weather here has been so nice the last 2 days that despite being in one of the worst flare-ups I've had ever, and barely being able to walk at times, I actually made a new garden! Well, if truth be told, I only extended out South-facing garden. However, it still required the digging up of some 30 square feet of well-established (though weedy) grass, dumping more topsoil, and planting the sorry plants that have been sitting on my kitchen counter for the last 2 weeks! It was painful, it was arduous, but I DID IT!! And I am so proud that I did it myself - my fiance is currently down for the count with a vicious cold, so I didn't want to make him worse by inflicting forced labour on him! I only planted 2 delphiniums and a dwarf burning bush, but I will plant some tomatoes and hopefully some nice perennials also. When it is finished, I'll take some pictures for you to see it.
I know it was great exercise, but for now, I am going to SLEEP!!
Take care, happy gardening,

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Distraction is the Best Medicine

So someone asked me the other day how I deal with the constant, unrelenting pain of Fibro, and I really had to stop and think. I'm not taking any medication at the moment (the Cyclobenzaprine was doing some nasty things to my digestive tract and not helping the muscle cramping at all). This now brings the total to somewhere around $900 in wasted meds over the last 6 months that haven't done a thing but make me sicker, the pain has been getting worse over the last 2 months, I'm absolutely broke and stressed and really sick of the whole situation.
So Pain Management? Not really. Pain distraction? ABSOLUTELY!! The only way I've found to manage the pain, not to mention the whole host of other symptoms that come with this disease, is to distract myself. Here are some of the things I do:
1 - I love to cook and bake to suit my many food allergies, and I've now started a blog called Low Allergy Kitchen, you can find that here at: and my aim is to help others manage their food sensitivities too. I have a cookbook that I am trying to get published, or I'll do it myself, again to share the knowledge I've gleaned while trying to ignore my Fibromyalgia.
2 - I also love to make jewellery. Since I've been unable to work since November 2007, I've started selling my jewellery as a business, not just a side-hobby/obsession. I have a website where I sell my jewellery at or you can read my jewellery blog at: where I describe the methods and inspiration behind the pieces I make.
3 - I love to read. Fantasy is great (LOTR, Inheritance, Harry Potter), Crime is awesome (Dick Francis anyone?), and of course, Non-Fiction is just superb (Cookbooks, Gardening, Jewellery, you get the idea).
4 - I love to garden. Though I can't do as much as I used to, being in tune with our planet is very humbling. Seeing birds grow up in my backyard and return year after year is incredible and puts things into perspective - sure I'm sick, but I don't have to hunt for food, travel thousands of miles each year to get to a warmer climate to survive, build a new house every six months, fight for my life every second of every day, and procreate whether I want to or not (I think my species will still survive if I don't). Makes me feel almost lucky.
5 - I love to exercise. Sure, it's painful, and there are times I'm crying on my exercise bike, but it helps the pain. There are days I can't exercise. There are days I can't even think of exercising, but when I can, I do. It's incredible how yoga makes me happy. I'm still a stark beginner, but yeah, I'm hooked.
Distraction really is the best medicine. Nothing else works anyway! I try to stay positive and distract myself as much as possible, and if that doesn't work, I'll sleep! Or watch Katherine Hepburn or Humphrey Bogart movies - they're always awesome!
Take care, I send you happy thoughts!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Keep on Truckin'

Well it's been months since my last post on this blog, but nothing much has changed. I had to stop working in November, and I haven't been able to return to work yet. My rheumatologist hasn't lost faith that we'll find a drug to help me with the pain and spasms and insomnia, but I am getting more doubtful as the list of medications I can't take is growing steadily.
However, I am trying to stay positive, so I am making lemonade with the lemons I've been given: I am trying to make my living creating and selling my jewellery online, in local stores, and through jewellery parties. It's getting better all the time as people see the things I create, the quality of the materials and craftsmanship, and the great prices I'm able to offer. It is a great stress reliever to be doing something instead of just sitting on my rear and waiting for the latest wave of pain, exhaustion and spasms to dissipate. Of course, there are still times quite often when I am unable to make even a piece of toast, but it just makes the time spent at my work table all the more precious.
My fiancee is so supportive, I am so blessed to have him, and he is supporting me until my jewellery is able to make enough to help with the bills. My family is also so great and understanding, and my animals are my best companions during the day when my fiancee is at work. Staying positive isn't always easy, but with great friends and family around you, it sure is better than being alone.
OH! We set a date for the wedding finally! September 12, 2009 it is, and my parents are not only paying for my dress, my mom is actually making it! We bought the fabric this past weekend and I'm so grateful, I can't even explain.
That's it for now, blog you later!


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